Disneyland for wimps
You don’t like thrills you say? Relax! Here's your ride guide for The Happiest Place on Earth
A few weeks ago I wrote about my late brother and how he was a ride wimp. We nonetheless found ways to visit theme parks together and have a ball. The article really resonated with folks (I’m most grateful for your outpouring of sympathy; it really means a lot), and many of you let me know that you or someone you love is in the same boat–and I’m not talking about the boat that drops 85 feet on Jurassic Park River Adventure at Universal Orlando. I’m talking about folks who, like my brother, are scaredy-cats at parks and would never step foot on Jurassic Park River Adventure.
That got me thinking. I was able to curate our trips to theme parks and steer my brother clear of high-thrill attractions because I know them so well. Since others may not have that knowledge, I’ve decided to share my expertise and help those who might be in the same situation with a series of ride guides. Many attractions are hidden away, often tucked inside show buildings, so it can be hard to determine what’s in store and whether those who fall on the ride wimp spectrum would be able to handle them. I’ll try to demystify the rides and identify which ones to probably avoid and which ones to consider giving a go. I’ll even assign a rating for each attraction using a 10-point thrill scale, where 0 refers to ones that would be of virtually no concern to the wimpish, and 10 designates ones that would challenge even the most hardened ride warriors. Let’s kick off the ride guides by focusing on the original theme park, Disneyland.
It may be called “The Happiest Place on Earth,” but ride wimps see danger lurking just beyond Main Street U.S.A. When it first opened in 1955, Disneyland didn’t really feature anything that would have given wimps pause. Through the years, however, Walt’s original park has assembled a collection of rides that gets pulses racing. Mind you, there is nothing that comes close to some of the thrill-tastic coasters found at other parks, but those who want to keep things relatively tame would definitely want to steer clear of Disneyland’s more aggressive offerings.
Rides to (probably) avoid at Disneyland
We’ll start with the four rides that form Disneyland’s mighty “mountain range.” You will likely want to remain at the base camps for all of them. There is one more attraction at the classic park that would likely be too adventurous for you.
● Matterhorn Bobsleds: With its relatively slow speed (likely less than 30 mph) and lack of huge drops or inversions, Disneyland’s first roller coaster, which debuted in 1959 (and was the first in the world to feature tubular steel tracks), is not really all that thrilling. It is jarringly rough and not an especially comfortable ride, however. That, and the fact that it is a roller coaster (regardless of its comparatively low thrill profile) means you’ll want to consider foregoing it. Thrill rating: 4.25
● Tiana’s Bayou Adventure: There is more or less only one thrilling element throughout the entire log flume ride that was formerly known as Splash Mountain, but it’s a doozy. The vehicles take a 52.5-foot plunge at about 40 mph. It’s over in a matter of seconds, but the anticipation of the drop, let alone the drop itself, would probably be enough to drive you bonkers. It’s a shame, because the rest of Tiana’s Bayou Adventure–which is packed with animatronic characters, a rousing soundtrack, and a compelling story–is delightful. Thrill rating: 4.75
Space Mountain: Originally opened in 1977, the coaster is one of Disney’s most iconic rides. You may be surprised to learn that Space Mountain chugs along at a relatively poky speed of about 30 mph. (Consider that some coasters flirt with and even exceed 100 mph.) But the indoor attraction keeps passengers in the dark, and that makes the ride seem all the more terrifying. Thrill rating: 5
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad: At 28 mph, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad is even slower than Space Mountain. And like Matterhorn Bobsleds and Space Mountain, it has no big drops or inversions. But with three lift hills, it’s a fairly long ride. The sheer length alone may make wimps recoil in horror. Thrill rating: 4.5
Indiana Jones Adventure: It’s not a roller coaster, but the attraction’s “Enhanced Motion Vehicles” are zippy and feature a fair amount of jostling. In addition, much of the action takes place in the dark, and there are plenty of in-your-face effects including hissing snakes, whooshing darts, and a giant rolling ball that threatens to squash passengers. Thrill rating: 4.25
Rides to (possibly) give a try at Disneyland
Chip ‘n’ Dale’s GADGETcoaster: Yes, it’s a roller coaster. But with a height of 28 inches and a top speed of 22 mph, this is a very gentle ride. It barely qualifies as a “junior” coaster and is really more of a “kiddie” coaster. Plus, the whole thing is over in 44 seconds. If you’ve never been on a coaster, or haven’t ridden one in a while, Chip ‘n’ Dale’s GADGETcoaster could be a good test for you. It could perhaps be a gateway to bigger coaster thrills, depending on how you tolerate it. Thrill rating: 2.75
The Haunted Mansion: Despite its scary-sounding name, the Haunted Mansion is really more silly than frightening. Young children may freak out at the somewhat dark scenes and imagery, but adults should do fine. As one of Disney’s all-time great rides, you really wouldn’t want to miss it. Thrill rating: 2.5 (for the scares, not the physical ride experience, which is quite tame)
Millennium Falcon: Smuggler’s Run: One of the featured rides at Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Smuggler’s Run is a motion simulator. It pretends to blast passengers off into space, but its ride vehicles never really move more than a few inches in any direction. Unlike most other simulator attractions, Smuggler’s Run is interactive, and all passengers have assigned roles (pilots, gunners, and engineers–although they will likely be changed when the attraction is updated this May with a new mission featuring The Mandalorian and Grogu). You might find the task that you are asked to perform to be distracting enough to make you forget about the minor thrills. Thrill rating: 3.25
Pirates of the Caribbean: It is dark, a bit disquieting, and (spoiler alert!) includes a couple of fairly mild flume drops, but you should do just fine. This is another gotta-ride Disney classic. So, go ride it. Thrill rating: 2.75 (for the drops)
Star Tours: One of the original motion simulator attractions, Star Tours was given a makeover in 2011 and now features a random sequence generator. You never know where in the Star Wars universe you might be heading. If you are okay with Millennium Falcon: Smuggler’s Run (see above), you should be okay with Star Tours. Thrill rating: 3.25
Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance: Perhaps the most sophisticated attraction in the world, Rise of the Resistance uses multiple ride systems (including trackless vehicles) and unfolds over a generous 17 minutes. You will experience some thrills, but they are relatively mild. The attraction’s finale takes place aboard an escape pod. In the interest of transparency (warning: I’m about to reveal a big spoiler), the pod blasts off and suddenly drops, Tower of Terror style. But (and it’s a major but), the drop is very short and should not cause any conniption fits among the wimpish. Thrill rating: 3.75
All the other attractions and things to do at Disneyland
What’s great about Disneyland for wimps is that even if you eliminated all of the attractions above, there is still plenty to do at The Happiest Place on Earth. You should be perfectly fine aboard the park’s many other rides such as Peter Pan’s Flight, Jungle Cruise, Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters, and the attraction that leads the pack in the theme park wimps’ hall of fame, it’s a small world. Then there are the shows, parades, nighttime spectaculars, character experiences, and the sheer joy that the park engenders.
Are you or someone you know a ride wimp? If so, is it helpful to have a thrill ratings and a ride guide? What other parks should I include in my series of ride guides?